Labor in Five Simple Stages

Year One

I just recently went through labor with my beautiful wife Evelyn. After doing some research, we learned that it’s a well-known fact that every woman’s labor is exactly the same. It’s true – labor lasts the same amount of time and yields the same exact result, no matter where you are in the world! Incidentally, contrary to popular belief, all pregnancies end in C-sections and half-Asian baby girls.

After learning this fact, we decided to help educate the world by simplifying labor into five simple stages that can be used as a tutorial for you to-be mothers and fathers out there. Thank you for letting us share this incredible experience with you!

Stage One – Home (36 hours)

Labor started at around four in the morning. The normal Braxton-Hicks contractions Evelyn experienced during pregnancy had turned into something different. There was real discomfort here. There was consistency and repetition. I could notice that Evelyn’s mood had changed somewhat, and that clued me in that this wasn’t just a drill.

Despite the mood changes, this stage is thrilling and exciting! Evelyn and I were both already texting family and psyching ourselves up for the next step.

Contractions were happening every 12 minutes at first, so we just chill out, walk to lunch, and even agree that having some real sushi is well deserved since our soon-to-be little girl is getting evicted soon. The contractions were just a minor distraction at this point – it’s just some discomfort in the form of menstrual cramps. It stops her in her tracks, but she can still chat and make jokes at the same time. Once the contractions started getting faster and faster (once every 4-5 minutes), we called the doctor again and were told to report to triage. Keep in mind that this took over a day!

SO Tip: Hopefully you’ve done this before labor starts, but it’s super important to have a fire drill. Assemble everything you need for the hospital, and put it in the car. How fast can you do it? Did you forget anything? My list of essentials are as follows:

Bring your own pillow – this symbol of home can go a long way
Make sure your carseat is in your car, not your wife’s! I learned this the hard way
Snacks for you. Be selfish here – your wife/girlfriend is going to have plenty of ice chips at the hospital, but you will have absolutely no time to find anything. For me, it was beef jerky and Quaker Chewy bars.
Changes of clothes for you, your wife/girlfriend, AND the baby. Bring a swaddle that you’d be happy taking photos with – this was more important than I thought at first.
Shoes and/or slippers! This is likely the most important thing to bring. You’re going to be on your feet WAY longer than you think, and it’s gonna hurt. My pinky toe is still numb from a bruised nerve from walking around so much.

Stage Two – Triage and Walking (6 hours)

Phase two kicks off at the hospital. After reporting to triage, Evelyn was given a short exam, and then we were told to either go home or to take a 2-hour walk and come back.

Naturally we chose the walk – there’s no way we were gonna drive home at rush-hour only to think we needed to come back. So we walked.

And walked…

And walked some more…

Until finally! We did it! We reported back to triage and guess what:

They told us to walk for ANOTHER HOUR.

This was getting annoying. We walk for one more hour and report back to triage. At this stage, I saw Evelyn go through a single contraction that signaled the next stage: it was extremely painful and all she could do was concentrate on the pain.

She also started bawling.

At this point, the doctor told us that Evelyn had finally and thankfully progressed enough to graduate to the next stage.

SO Tip: At this point, you need to start practice breathing with her. “Hee hee hoo’s” or simple “in through the nose, out through the mouth” methods are both great. Remember: any moment she’s concentrating on you is a moment she’s not concentrating on the pain and discomfort of these contractions. I’m not sure why all new mothers have to be punished this way, but you gotta do your best to keep her as comfortable as possible.

Stage Three – Delivery Room: Despair (8 hours)

Not much to say here… just imagine watching the person you love go through horrendous bouts of pain every few minutes. The key here is to remain calm, try to keep her calm, and hope for this stage to be quick.

SO Tip: Keep munching on food between contractions, this is a lot of work for both of you. Also: feel free to steal those delicious ice chips for yourself.

Stage Four – Delivery Room: Relief (16 hours)

This is the point where I start talking about magic. In the world of medicine, there are a few true miracles… Penicillin… Tiger Blood…

EPIDURALS.

After 8 hours of pain, Evelyn just couldn’t take it anymore. She was still only 6cm dilated (which hadn’t changed in about 6 hours), so after quite a lot of ‘I can hold out a little longer’ she decided that an epidural was the best option.

Of course, this was not part of the plan – Evelyn wanted this to be natural! This was probably the hardest decision she had to make in the whole birthing process. Looking back though, it’s clear this was the absolute best decision in the world and we’re upset we didn’t decide on it sooner:

After agreeing on it, someone came in immediately.
After the anesthesiologist stuck the needle in, there’s about a 10-minute delayed reaction
At the 10-minute mark, you see a metamorphosis. For the first time in forever, you can’t even see a little bit of pain… She’s so comfortable that falls asleep!

I don’t know which insanely intelligent person figured out this cocktail of magic, but doctors are now able to safely numb pain in a very specific area. Not only that, they can do it without altering mental capacity! She’s totally lucid and pain-free! I’m still in awe. If anybody is on the fence with an epidural, I understand… but after seeing the results, I’m absolutely and completely on the bandwagon.

SO Tips: Couple things here. First off, as soon as she falls asleep, I suggest you do the same; you may not have another chance for a while. Secondly, you cannot diminish this decision of hers (and please make sure this is her decision, not yours). Evelyn’s impression of a birth was to have it naturally, and anything other than that was considered a failure as a woman/mother. DON’T MAKE HER FEEL THIS WAY. It’s not even true. There’s no shame or judgment when seeking relief from pain.

Lastly, this is the stage where exhaustion comes in. I was getting weepy pretty frequently as this stage went on… thinking how different our lives will be; thinking how hard this would be if Evelyn died, and so on. Crazy thoughts. Emotions are expected and encouraged here, but try to make sure they don’t take over. You still need to be strong for her.

Stage Five: Operating Room

This is the stage where the doctor tells you that the baby just may be too big. He actually said to us, “it’s like putting a square peg through a round hole”! Knowing this doctor is going to deliver my baby I decide not to lose it, but what the hell? Is he saying my kid is a blockhead?

In any case, after another tough chat with Evelyn, it’s C-section time. They take you from your warm, comfortable ‘delivery room’ and take you to a very cold, harshly lit room. The room is filled with ~6 people, only 2 of which you recognize. Everyone is friendly enough, but this is a scary experience. Having never actually been in an operating room, it reminded me of the room Claire was taken to in Lost.

In about 10 minutes, the baby was out! Such a relief to see both my ladies are through the worst of it. And the baby? She’s healthy! Not too pretty though:

I think in those first few minutes, there are zero beautiful babies. Give it a day and they’ll be much better looking. See?

Final Thoughts

Have no allusions: labor is a harrowing experience. It’s a test to see what the human brain and body can undergo. I’m proud to be with such a strong wife. I felt like I needed to be her rock through all this, but she proved to be mine. She’s my hero.

And I’m happy! I have a beautiful wife and a gorgeous little baby.

Welcome to the world, Charlotte!

Evelyn Want FOOD.

Year Zero

When your wife becomes pregnant, everything is now about her. Her body, her feelings, etc etc.

This a very good thing, and I’ll tell you why.

I can’t pretend to speak for all partners of pregnant women out there, but as a husband, making everything about my wife is an understandable but somewhat disappointing realization. I want a bigger part in this whole experience; I want to know what things feel like; I want to talk to the baby all the time; I even want to share in the morning sickness and back pain so she doesn’t have to do it alone.

I want foot massages whenever I please.

Despite all that, I understand that this transition is about us, not about me. For the time being, this whole transformation into a family is physically only happening to her. So, I decided that the best way I can help develop this bond is to become the Food Nazi Curator for the household so the baby can get the best nutrition possible. I also [secretly] decided that if Evelyn ate what I told her, we wouldn’t get stuck with the daily “what do you want for dinner?” discussion.

(…but seriously, food is probably the easiest way to support a pregnant wife, right? You get appreciation in all the ways you want, and you help guide the baby’s physical development without actually carrying it…)

For the first trimester, I had it all planned out: I read up on everything. Healthy smoothies… 8 servings of fruit/day… Kale… So one day I decided to be nice: I went to the grocery store, got some real good food, and made a strawberry banana shake! She took a sip.

“OMG THAT’S DELICIOUS!”

She liked it so much that halfway through she decided to puke it out and the rest went down the drain. Hours were now lost slaving over a hot blender! You know what else she ate that day?

Saltines. After all my research, all my groceries, all she could eat was saltines?! This went on for 3 months! Evelyn’s morning sickness had progressed into afternoon and evening sickness, and there was nothing I could do. She robbed me of this opportunity to help! Okay Neil, calm down…

The second and third trimesters were much better, although Evelyn had her cravings. Not anything insane, but there were a lot of meals comprised solely of oranges. If she didn’t have oranges, she RAGED OUT. If I suggested anything else, she’d give me the look. You know the one.

We ate healthily about 4.5 days a week. Don’t judge me, and certainly don’t judge her. It’s not our fault that this goddamn baby wants oranges and garlic fries. My food curation exercise was a failure!

Instead of crying myself to sleep, I pivoted. Now, instead of healthy foods, this baby is going to taste as much truly good food as possible. There are many studies that show babies can taste what a mother eats even as early as 16 weeks! I’m now determined that our little girl is not going to be a picky eater. Spicy foods, sour foods, kimchi… Our baby must try everything.

I’m not sure if there’s a lesson here. If there is, it’s that you can’t let ideals get in the way of a relationship. There will be plenty of time being the dad when the baby comes.

In these final days before our girl is born, all Evelyn wants is the good stufffffff. Cookies. Ice cream. Chips. Yes, we still eat healthy foods, but all bets are off when it comes to what the baby wants. Hell, if she wants McDonald’s breakfast, SHE’S GONNA GET McDONALD’S F*CKING BREAKFAST.

Neil and Evelyn’s DaY-O-fUn!

Year Zero

For our Semi-Annual DaY-O-fUn, Evelyn planned everything and convinced me that this was going to be the BEST DAY-O-FUN YET.

9:30 AM

We went to Bakery Nouveau and got the crown jewel of pastries, the twice-baked almond croissant. We went home and nom nom’d. DAY O FUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!

If you live in Seattle, this is a must-do.

12:05 PM

After that, we found a local nail salon and got pedicures. DAY O FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!

Albeit girly, this is the ultimate in luxury. I recommend it for any occasion: bachelor parties, funeral receptions, you name it. You must go into this knowing that the Vietnamese/Korean women administering the pedicure are talking about you, and are likely grossed out by you. Embrace this, it’s all part of the experience.

1:17 PM

Evelyn has now done everything she wanted to do, thereby marking the conclusion of the DaY-O-fUn. I spent the afternoon watching Bravo with her and delivering foot massages. Awesome…

…DAY O FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!!!1!1!!

Lesson of the Day: Enjoy these days together! A day of Bravo is still a day of fun with my wife. I’m gonna miss lazy days like this.

Also: Is it hard for anyone else to know whether or not Ryan is sincere with his proposal on Million Dollar Listing? He’s just so disingenuous…

Random Thoughts on Pregnancy

Year Zero

So I think I should sprinkle in some serious thoughts today. I don’t think I’ve properly introduced myself. My name is Neil and I will very soon be father to a child. The child is going to be a girl, and I think she’s going to be AWESOME. Of course, I will be more awesome than her because I raised her, but that aside, she’ll be pretty cool. I think the current emotions as a future parent here are:

Excited
Overjoyed
~~FUCKING FREAKED OUT~~ Anxious… but it’s not too anxious.

Anxiety is probably the best word I can use around non-parent friends because anything more than that (i.e. dread; fear; envy of people with less responsibility) will bring on the cock-eyed looks that you must be crazy. There’s some Stepford-ish perception that having a kid should disallow any feelings of doubt or doom, and that you’ve made a mistake if you’ve felt this way.

I think of having a pregnant wife is not unlike skydiving. I’ve gone skydiving before and it’s one of the most sobering and exhilarating experiences of my life. It’s still very vivid in my mind: the adrenaline, the thrill of going up in the plane… And then I looked out and momentarily thought, “A sane person would not do this. I am not sane. I am stupid, what the fuck am I thinking?” There’s no stopping it, and I’ve gotten into something that I can’t get out of.

Then I jumped.

Although terrifying, that’s only one emotion among many that speed through my brain. In fact, the only difference I’ve felt between skydiving and having a pregnant wife is that there isn’t any adrenaline.

There really isn’t a tangible happy ending to this story yet because we’re still about 2 weeks away from our due date and all I see is a very pregnant wife getting just as fucking freaked out anxious as me. All I know is that all these feelings of doubt are orbiting around the bigger feelings of happiness and warmth, and the comfort that what I’m doing is going to be fun, exhilarating, and bring Evelyn and I closer together. The feelings I’m having are normal, and you’re all just assholes for judging.

Especially you. You know who you are.

To lighten the mood, here’s Evelyn hatching an evil scheme:

Lesson of the day

lessons, Year Zero

Lesson of the Day! If your wife is pregnant, you need to take the load of everyday life off her. This includes everything physical. Picking up the poop and taking out the garbage are typically MAN things, but shit guys, you gotta do as much as you can – laundry, dishes, dinner, or even the really annoying middle-of-the-night-glass-of-water. Today was a typical scenario. I’ve explained to her time after time that I didn’t want Evelyn to do laundry. Guess what she did:

Yup. Laundry. Dammit.

Lesson:

People who need assistance don’t always want it. If they’re resistant, be sure to show them who’s boss. Make sure she needs to ask for help. For example:

That’ll show her.